That Goodbye Feeling

Life throws emotions at you all the time, many of which are recognizable based on certain situations, senses or environments.

I’m currently in an Uber at 4:15am headed to Toronto Pearson airport and have that familiar lump in my stomach. It’s a combination of guilt, sadness, and questioning. I’ve felt it for the last ten years ever since I left Winnipeg to pursue various career opportunities - choosing a new life over the city which housed my close friends and family members. It usually creeps up on the way to airports, while waiting at airports, or while staring down at my departing city from ~10,000 feet.

I had an amazing weekend in Toronto catching up on some precious friendships, and most importantly, spending invaluable time with Finn. He’s grown so much both physically and intellectually since I last saw him and now that I’ve left with no currently planned return date, those questions in my mind along with the lump in my stomach have returned.

Why are you doing this? Is this trade off worth it? What’s the end game? How would you feel if (knock on wood) something happened and you were away? What’s most important? Why don’t you live nearer family?

Granted this may be driven by the 4.5 hour sleep, but this feeling is all too familiar. I recognize there’s no easy answer to the questions above, and there are plenty of positives in all of the life choices I’ve made, but it’s important I call out that the questions are definitely present and make leaving friends and family difficult every time.

I hope everyone has an amazing week. Thanks for reading.